A Hesitant Hello

It has been a while since I wanted to talk to you. I have been having a lot going on recently and have felt overwhelmed by all these changes.

I suppose I've gotten used to changes again. But I admit that I have been one to hold on a little too tightly to things, especially when there isn't much to be done.

To be honest I don't really know how I am feeling as of late. It comes in waves. I am happy then sad, then stressed, then elated, then somber, then exhausted. The cycle of this has been on repeat the last couple of weeks.

I haven't been writing to you lately. This makes me sad. It isn't that there isn't anything I wish to say or anything. I've just been consumed.

Consumed has always been an interesting word, especially as an excuse. But I suppose that is what this hesitant hello is... an excuse to tell you everything you've missed.

I accomplished a goal, Howard. I've met a goal that I didn't know I could accomplish. But now I'm left with the "now whats" and the "what comes nexts."

Do I graduate early? Do I act my age and do something completely spontaneous and out of character? Do I work harder and harder not knowing exactly where it will lead me? Do I stay focused or loosen up?

What is it? What do I do?

The insomnia has come back again. I know my body is trying to tell me something. I can feel it burning in the back of my brain, screaming its way through the organs and flesh and bones.

Sometimes I want to tear off this skin because it feels heavy. When I write I occasionally forget to breathe until I finish the sentence I am working on and then my brain starts to panic.

"Breathe for Christ's sake!"

Through the gasps and choking I feel the humanity of my short lifespan. I'm a blink of an eye, really. We all are. You were.

But I don't ever think I will get over that some sort of magic that is within us. We heal. We are self-healers. I healed partially after you died. Not halfway or anything impressive, but just a bit. Just enough to remember.

So there it is. My hesitant hello. I said not really much of anything, I suppose. But somehow I feel okay for now.

Written: 4.25.17

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