The Voice in My Head is You

My father was the most rational person that I knew.

 He could help anyone pull themselves out of an emotional breakdown.

He knew I was an over-thinker... a really destructive over-thinker. He would always pull me out when I would bury myself with the world. 

He would ask me how I could take something so small and insignificant and somehow warp it into something that didn't resemble the original. 

I didn't have an answer to this. I joked with him that my over-thinking could be helpful when planning a plot twist in one of my novels, but we both knew that it was a problem.  

I wish he was here to give me advice. I am going through an emotional earthquake as of late. Yet, I know what he would tell me to do. 

"Don't let anyone have that much control over your emotions, Kateleigh."

I still hear his words in my head, although his face has started to fade. I haven't managed to figure out how to implement this life lesson. Sometimes I wonder if I can. 

He was so calm and collected. He was also the best listener.

 He would listen and listen until it was clear that I had let out all my frustrations.  Then I would look up and he'd be sitting there with his fingers interlaced in front of his face, contemplating the best course of action. 

I always used to joke he had the best poker face... Or that he should become a professional chess player. This would make him chuckle.

 Mom told me three days ago that I am more like him than what I realize. However, something she said to me really had me thinking.

 She said that Howard was an open-book. That she could always tell what he was thinking. I told her that is what most people said about me. She shook her head.

 "No Kate, you are better about hiding what you are really thinking."

 What I am really thinking?

 Did I even know what I was really thinking?

 Had I even figured anything out about anything?

 The voice inside my head used to sound like me. Now it sounds like him.

 Maybe he knows I need protection. Maybe he is talking to me.

 Or maybe I just miss him. 

Written: 2.9.17

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