Warm Lighting

The day after Thanksgiving my family typically starts to decorate for Christmas. My grandma still says that if the tree isn't up before December 1st, then it is bad luck. 

In 2013 my cousin Sarah, who was eleven at the time, had come over to help decorate. 

I always joked that we needed the extra reinforcements at our house since Momma is an interior designer and was determined to set up three Christmas trees in the living room, each of them a different size. I called it her little tree village. 

That year I had also convinced Mom to buy the white-wired Christmas lights. Sarah and I went all around the house draping the lights around mirrors, bed frames, curtain rods, windows and the borders of the rooms. 

Howard said that it looked pretty. 

After he died I ended keeping the ones in my bedroom that were wrapped around the metal frames of my bed for over a year. 

I would leave the those lights on during the night. I couldn't sleep in the dark. I was scared of it. 

Two days ago I found the white-wired Christmas lights bundled up together in a box that I kept at the top of my closet. I unwound them all, lined them up around the edges of the room.

I then hung them all up, draping them haphazardly across the walls and ceilings.

I waited until it was past midnight and all I could hear was the steady hum of the air conditioning. I plugged in the last of the lights and just stood there motionless.

It was like looking at the stars. It was a comforting warmth that I could feel all the way to my toes. I closed my eyes and still saw the lights trying to get passed my eyelids.

I let myself revisit that time. I let myself be vulnerable in the warm lighting. I know that I don't do it as much as I probably should. I know I need to take more time for this. I know all of this too well.

After I let a couple of moments pass by I opened my eyes and sighed a great big sigh. I felt exhausted and restless at the same time.

I walked over to unplug the lights and there I stood, in the enveloping darkness.

Nothing on my mind besides his words.

"They look really pretty. Maybe we could keep them up for a while," He said.

I did.

Written: 2.21.17

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