Thursday, May 18, 2017

Parts for Sell

These last four years have been just awful for my personal life.

I have felt loss after loss, picking myself up slowly just to be hit again.

I've felt each sharp stab and ache from the tearing and healing of my heart. With every new betrayal or loss I've felt like I've been auctioning off my parts. 

"You want my heart?"

 Take it, it's a wreck anyway. 

"Do I hear an offer for my lungs?"

That's fine, you can have them. I already feel like I'm drowning by making you comfortable with your ideas about love. 

"Any bidders for my arms and legs?" 

Take them if you must. I've grown used to comforting myself in silence and remaining in one place. 


***


The year after Howard died we saw who our true friends were. Some people felt very uncomfortable around us. We could feel it even though they never said a word.

It's almost incredible how dull you feel after loss but how sometimes you have this heightened sense of people's emotions.

Maybe it's like this because our bodies are craving more emotions like it used to have before what ever caused it to go numb. 

Not even half a year after the accident happened did one of my close friend's mother tell my mother about how moody I was and how she didn't feel comfortable being my mother's friend since her daughter and I started growing apart. 

She accused me of being jealous of her daughter for getting to move away to college while I would remain at home with my mother.

Mom was shocked. It was like the woman didn't know what kind of impact Howard's death had. I knew after it happened that I would be staying home with Mom. I had to look after her. We were going to look after each other.

The insensitivity of that incident really upset my Mom for a long time.

Some of the others just didn't know what to say, and that's okay. Sometimes, though, just saying something is just what is needed for those who feel lost. 

Almost three years after Howard died I revealed my relationship with a woman to two of my friends that I had since I was a child. We grew up together. We were sisters, until we weren't.

Being bisexual made them uncomfortable around me. Over eleven years of friendship gone just like that.  I was no longer "straight enough" to be a part of their circle. They proceeded to tell me I was going to Hell. They said they didn't believe me or my relationship. They called me a liar. 

One of them apologized to me later and I forgave easily.  Months later I was again slapped in the face by reality of being told again that I was off to the fiery depths never to return. After my relationship with the woman ended, I was still being persecuted. 

What about unconditional love? What did I do to them that was so awful? After all I had loved them unconditionally for so many years. 

I know I'm supposed to give people second chances, I know I'm supposed to forgive. But when people take from you your safety, your compassion and your voice that's when you break in half and can either rise or crumble.

This time I'm not crumbling.

I'm sick of shadowing under you to make you comfortable. I'm sick of being friends with those who take and take just because they know I'm a giver. 

I'm going to be selfish this time. Instead of choosing to help you, I'm helping myself. 

No more. 

Written 5.18.17

1 comment:

  1. Esta una mujer muy fuerte...gracias, mi amiga

    ReplyDelete