When 'What if' Consumes You (Pt. 2)

I have been reaching out to my old high school friends and some of my past relationships in hopes that they might shed some light on what I was like the first couple of years. Some bring up things that I didn’t even know happened.

After the first week, one of my best friends since childhood took an entire week of school off because she didn’t want me to be alone.

Our neighbors, who are more like family, told me that I couldn’t fall asleep without a lot of people around me. 

 Sleeping is probably the only thing I can recall. 

I am still in the process of understanding who I was then because I genuinely believe it will heal some of the issues I deal with today. 

 I have become a worrier. 

 It is also sometimes quite difficult for me to open up to people I do not know. This used to be very different for me. 

 But the best one (in my opinion) is that I have anxiety about what I will do if something happens to the other people I care about and love deeply.

I remember who I was before Howard died. I remember how carefree and happy I was. I remember I didn’t have to worry about anything because I had a strong support system.

 When Howard died, my whole family fell apart.

Written: 1.31.17

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